there was a line that kicked off the period of writing that would become the responsorial and would subsequently turn into the first “song” on the album–an insecure whisper recapitulating feelings of failure and doubt:

“am I just acting out?”

at the time, my partner and I had just had a big fight, and I had fled the scene; I was hitting every streetlight on the way to her house, to repair the damage; months prior, a loved one had died; weeks prior, the U.S. had dropped the largest non-nuclear bomb in combat history; I was leaving the church; I was angry. and this refrain continued to inundate:

“am I just acting out?”

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it has been a minute since I’ve shared any updates on the album, particularly due to an incident in the studio in which Steve and I noticed a scratch on a reel of tape. we were tracking “Acting Out” with quite a bit of inexplicable lag and funky fluctuation in the metronome. after analyzing, we noticed a thin notch in the back of the tape. we began exploring further into the reel and found that this scratch extended for what could have been hundreds of feet, potentially damaging the content we had worked for months to record. we immediately stopped recording, carefully rewound the reel, and stored it gently–saving examination of the recordings for another date. Steve and I were both fumbling over apologies to each other and the universe even though it was none of the three of our faults.

that night as I drove home, the recapitulated, now haunting, phrase we had just attempted to record pecked with a subtle din of despair against my confidence:

“am I just acting out?”

perhaps, you are just acting out.

the album, recording, pushing analogue, crowdfunding, self-promoting (yikes), all of it: “the universe says, ‘you’re a jerk.'” and I move on with my quiet, insecure, pontification–without form, without reproach, without scratched-up reels of tape.

when I got home, I was tightly wound, I nearly couldn’t speak; and Erin gently examined the scratches and hiss of a bruised ego, bruised tape, reminding me of true things and agreeing to ride along to mcdonalds at 1 in the morning with me. she reminded me that we, in fact, are a 3rd of the way into paying for this project, that people seem to like this music, and that art is messy, beautifully so, particularly when it is physical.

so maybe we are all just acting out–in leaving and returning, in death and in life, casting out the smokers and lighting the world ablaze, gambling and getting run over, pretending we are not our parents’ children and pretending we are our parents’ parents, loving through fear, loving through a fight, raising our gaze in praise and hiding our faces in despair, writing music. in this, I am certain I am acting out of some pulse providing rhythm and beauty and breath and voice and insecurity.

while we wait for a new reel of tape to arrive so that we may continue recording the album, I decided to act out some more and record a song “in the box,” or using digital gear in our bedroom. it celebrates 5 years (4/1/16!) since my partner and I met, and is, appropriately, a song about marriage. Steve generously agreed to mix it with me, and master the track “out of the box” using his analogue gear. to wet your whistle for more collaborations to come, you can listen to the song tomorrow, Friday April 2nd, on bandcamp.

and, as always, (acting out a little more?) you can pre-order the album, or donate, or subscribe, or share with friends, all of which will help immensely in this surreal extrication of beauty and despair that is, the responsorial.

peace to you,

david